Bart Simpson, Spook
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Author: Brian Haig
Title: The President's Assassin Genre: thriller The brass in DC are dying like flies; including a Supreme Court justice, the White House Chief of Staff, and other big names. Word on the street has it that there's a $100-million bounty for whoever manages to assassinate the US President, and from all appearances, the game is afoot: a game whose forty-eight-hour clock is now running. Just recently seconded to the CIA by his boss at Army JAG, Sean Drummond - lawyer, ex-Ranger, and all-around fabulous dude - is a bit surprised to find himself representing Langley's spooks on the team assembled to crack the case. But there he is - in the thick of it. Fortunately, his massive intellect and enviable skills as lawyer and former assassin stand him in good stead. With Drummond as her wing man, FBI Profiler Jennie Margold has made it a personal mission to track down the hit squad that's been mowing down government officials, not to mention anyone else in their path. A couple of breaks, some nifty detective work, and a lot of elbow grease find Margold and Drummond heading the team as they attempt to track a rogue Special Service agent who went missing just before the first kill went down. But the case won't be that simple. Either they're dealing with an extraordinarily smart perp, or there's someone on the inside: apparently it's both, since the assassins have decided to settle for a mere fifty million dollars, and they've asked for Drummond - by name - as their delivery boy... And now the fun begins! Sean Drummond returns for the fifth time in Brian Haig's The President's Assassin (a regrettably non-representative title). If the name Haig sounds familiar to you, writer (and I use the term loosely) Brian is the son of Reagan Secretary of State Alexander "I'm in charge here!" Haig. Previous assaults on the literary world from the keyboard of Haig have included The Kingmaker and Private Sector. As is too often the case, Haig demonstrates in the pages of The President's Assassin that having a famous name is more likely to get you a publishing contract than just having talent. More's the pity. Cross an Army Ranger with a Wall Street lawyer and then Bart Simpson, and the resulting offspring will probably look - and more to the point act - like Sean Drummond. He's a killing machine with a law degree and the social skills of a ten-year-old. A delinquent ten-year-old, at that. Considering all the mental effort he wastes on lusting after the pneumatic Agent Margold and his ever-present anti-authoritarian bent, it's surprising that Drummond has time to get out of bed in the morning, much less help track down all those bloodthirsty villains. But help track them down he does. And then what's left to do? Will he finally get a romp between the sheets with the busty Fibbie? Nahhhh... One can easily envision the meeting between editor and author: "Brian, we need another forty pages. And a re-write of your ending." "Awww, Rick, do I have to?" "Yep, you gotta. "OK, I'll take out the thirty pages of bedroom scene and... let's see... How about I throw in some monster plot twist about an insider?" Yeah, sure, that worked. Not. Many's the "writer" who trades on his famous name, and Brian Haig is a prime example. A so-so writer with the instincts of a twelve-year-old, Haig has created a main character who's custom-tailored to the "Simpsons"/"Malcolm in the Middle" generation of smart-aleck superannuated teenagers. He keeps his fan base happy with Drummond's smart mouth and testosterone-laden rubbish like this: She had left her blue jacket on the chair in the conference room and I could now observe that hers was indeed an ass worth watching. Also she had a wasplike waist, slender hips, and if I had to guess, a 38D cup, or maybe DD, although what's in a letter? ...I was reassured to observe that Agent Margold was not only brainy, she was in tiptop shape, she could probably chase down your average badass, and in an emergency I wouldn't herniate doing the fireman's carry... Obviously, Haig was staring at a famous Mattel doll while designing Margold - all she lacks is a boyfriend named Ken, a pair of silver FMPs, and a Malibu beach house. One does have to wonder, though, if such a top-heavy agent could chase down even the slowest of badasses... Given its mildly interesting plot - there's plenty of running around chasing bad guys as well as ogling buxom secretaries - Haig could have probably parlayed The President's Assassin into a readable and exciting thriller. Instead, he's written a misogynistic mishmash of paper-thin characters, hackneyed plot twists, and poorly researched scenarios. My advice? Pass. all content copyright © 2014 by scmrak
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